The thing about bad movies is that in most cases, their badness is fairly self-explanatory in that you can quickly grasp what went wrong with them. A film like "The Boy Next Door," for example, is utterly inept but considering the fundamental stupidity of its basic premise, that result could hardly be considered a surprise. With other bad films, you can sort of understand what the intentions of the filmmakers might have been before things went wrong. "Mortdecai," on the other hand, is one of those rare birds that is so off-putting in so many ways that all I could do for the most part was wonder how so many presumably intelligent people could be persuaded to sign on to produce and appear in something that could not have possibly seemed like anything other than a total mess from its earliest stages.
Depp stars as Charlie Mortdecai, a borderline dissolute roué and cad who works as an art dealer of questionable means and morals who, as the film opens, owes the British government over 8 million pounds in back taxes and is in danger of losing everything, with the possible exception of his recently cultivated walrus-style mustache. One person who wouldn't mind seeing him lose the stache as well is his otherwise loving and infinitely patient wife Johanna (Gwyneth Paltrow), whose gag reflex goes into overdrive whenever she comes into close contact with the soup strainer in question, a trait that is sympathetically shared by both Mortdecai and, presumably, most members of the audience.
Because of his ability to navigate the seamier areas of the art world, Mortdecai is pressed into service by MI-6 agent (and long-standing rival for Johanna's affections) Martland (Ewan McGregor) to help in the search for a missing Goya painting that is even more valuable because of a rumor that it may have a code leading to a fortune in Nazi gold scribbled on its back. With his trusty manservant Jock Strapp--yes, Jock Strapp (Paul Bettany)--at his side, Mortdecai bounces back and forth between London, Moscow and Los Angeles on the trail of the painting and stumbles into one desperate escapade after another that usually results in Jock getting shot, stabbed or otherwise injured along the way. Meanwhile, Johanna begins her own pursuit of the painting as well and uses her wiles to get Martland, who still has a thing for her, to fork over important information along the way.
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